He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
