he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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