Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
