we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
