Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
