My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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