What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
