I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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