I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
