all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
