I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
