I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize