Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
