After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
