i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
