Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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