My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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