ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
