I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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