he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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