Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
