I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
