if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize