Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
