Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
