My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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