I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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