My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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