dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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