the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
