i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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