You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
