Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize