Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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