i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
