its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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