apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
