What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
