Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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