Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
