I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
