Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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