A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
