maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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