Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
