too bad you live with your parents still
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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