he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
