Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
