Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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