none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
