Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
