I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
