my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was born a porn star she said
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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