Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
