I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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