Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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