I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
