a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
