I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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