she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
