a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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