there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
