I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
