Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
