I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
