Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
